I have had some strange requests in my time, but what I was asked to do last night was definitely one of the strangest. I think it will be filed under extremely bizarre. I was asked to model, yes, model for a photographic shoot.
Anybody who knows me will realise why this is bizarre. An unkempt, slightly overweight almost forty-something with an aversion to shaving, I am not what you would describe as poster boy material. Although, there is no reason why I shouldn’t be, and I may just start a campaign. After all, if fat girls can get up on the catwalk, why cant OAFS (overweight almost forty slobs) break into fashion. Aren’t we all sick of our wives and partners ogling Freddy Lumberg, David Beckham, etc, etc, with their washboard stomachs and perfect pecks! Wouldn’t it be wonderful to look up at an advert for men’s underwear and think, I bet he can drink!
As I sat on the tram on route to my ‘shoot’ I analysed the expressions and poses of the poster boys on the illuminated billboards bearing down from above. I wondered, should I pout, look moody, casual or should I give the full Magnum? Could they cope with the full Magnum? I knew all those years of mimicking the male models in my mums shopping catalogues would pay off one day! Wait till they see my using the exercise bike whilst looking smugly into the distance, it’s a sure fire winner!
Unfortunately, blinded by the corporate glamour that dominates our daily lives, I had forgotten, shamefully, that not everything is done for commercial gain and the acquisition of fame. There are people out there who create for the sake of creating. These people are called artists! Doh!
My modelling assignment was for a local Melbourne ‘artist’. She required me to sit on a sofa whilst looking pensive. As I sat, looking ‘pensive’, a mystery figure looked on from behind through an open window (the figure apparently signifying invasion and voyeuristic intent). The whole thing took no more than 10 minutes. I didn’t get to take my shirt off once and I certainly didn’t get to ride an exercise bike! I also have the distinct impression that I will be out of focus, perhaps, nothing more than a vague shadow. Damn you art!